It's another emo post from me, so you needn't even read this. Nothing noteworthy or interesting follows.

So I decided to quit FFXI. Not TOTALLY, but just not log on of my own volition and cancel my account. My characters are preserved if I should ever want to revisit the game, but that's not likely.

The decision was made after an admittedly selfish deal breaker: If I didn't win in one of the higher ranks of the mog bonanza, I'd call it quits. Almost thankfully I didn't win.

My decision to quit was bolstered by 2 major reasons: one, I can't really afford 2 MMO's. I don't have the time, and have other things to spend money on. The second reason was a more emotional one.

I've been playing FFXI for at least 5 years now, with an occasional hiatus. In that time, I managed to only max out one job. Why? For me, FFXI was just a means to hang out with friends. It was more of a social gathering than a game to me. When I first started, I was invited to a linkshell (guild for the WoW folks) almost immediately. The Conquistador's, a San d'Orian linkshell almost entirely composed of newbies (as the game had only been in the states a few months when I picked it up) and was an awkward fun social group. I would say I became good friends with almost the entire shell.

People gained levels, time flew by, and inevitably people left the game. The first person to quit I had become friends with, Amielle, was a significant blow. To this day I hold on to a Noble's Ribbon she had given me as an encouragement to play beastmaster. Sadly 20 so levels in it suffered a terrible nerf that has since been rectified, but has left a bad taste in my mouth thinking about the job since. But I digress.

The point is, losing friends never got easier. The worst instances where those where friends were lost because for them FFXI ceased being a social game and became a second job, obsessing over endgame and rare drops. Spieler was such a friend, who disowned me and the rest of our group so he could focus exclusively on endgame.

I told myself I'd never quit FFXI as long as I still had friends to play with. And not long ago, the last of that original group I played with so many years ago quit. For a little while I kept playing regardless. But without my closer friends, FFXI's frustrating aspects made me question why play an MMO, especially now rendered essentially a single-player experience, when there's SO many superior single-player games out there.

I'm now playing WoW, which may sound strange. And I don't want to come off as "oh FFXI sucks compared to wow" or anything. It's just that when I think of FFXI, all I think of are the good times I USED to have. But not anymore. It just makes me sad when I play it, seeing that empty friends list of everyone who has quit that I will not erase because I don't want to forget them. So the best way to remember the good times without being reminded of their absence is to just get out of it.

So why WoW? I started playing WoW with a friend, and playing together is just a lot of fun, and the reason I got into MMO's in the first place: playing and having fun with others. I feel a bit guilty though, because my friend Jeff's been trying to get me into that game for ages, and I didn't roll on his server. Why? Well, shame really. Shame of being a newbie. We all are, but I don't wanna join his guild and feel like a burden. Also, I'm running on minimum requirements on this crappy PC, so raids are a no-go. Once I look into a cheap upgrade to something raid-friendly even on minimum settings, and maybe get a level 55 guy I'll roll a Death Knight (the unholy tree looks really fun) and do some big group stuff.

But for right now, tooling around with Christian is REALLY what I need right now. I'm sick of endgame, gear-hunting, and all the other bullshit put into MMO's for the sole purpose of extending the experience. FFXI is an okay game, but its built upon padding the gameplay to make it as long as possible, and I'm just sick of it. I'll stick with a game for a long time if its just simply fun.

Anyway, the reason I've been off DA for so long, WoW isn't the reason, but the cure: Losing another friend recently through FFXI just destroyed my heart, embarrassing as it is to say, and I'm just sick of losing friends. Playing WoW with such an emphasis on casual play is therapy, and its doing me real good. I'm sketching more, and I have plenty of ideas. I ALMOST made an entry for Leila's TG idol contest, but didn't have enough heart to finish it. But I think that's an indication that I'm getting back to my old self.

I think its actually depression. I don't think I have clinical depression, but this heavy cloud of unhappiness seems too much. I hide it well, but man, some days I can barely get out of bed in the morning, the thoughts of "why bother" are so potent. I have other symptoms, but if I go into that I'll feel like I'm pandering for sympathy, and I really don't need that. I just wanna give a decent reason for why I've been absent from DA recently.

Also, sorry if you read this. I almost didn't post it, but figured if anyone cares, it'll be here, and in the most-likely scenario of nobody caring, well, they won't see it, so its a win-win.